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Fictional Quarterback NFL Teams May Draft

By Rick Bouch

It’s no secret that the 2017 draft class is not strong in quarterbacks. Mitch Trubisky, who has started all of 13 games in his college career, looks to be the first quarterback off the board. That may all change should the Cleveland Browns decide to go with Shane Falco. Or Willie Beamen. Or the superfast Vince Howard. No, the NFL will not waste a precious draft pick on a fictional quarterback…but what if they could?


“With the first pick in the 2017 NFL Draft,” bellows league commissioner Roger Goodell, “the Cleveland Browns select…wait for it…Johnny Utah.” How could the Browns miss on this one? Utah, who was played by a young Keanu Reeves in Point Break, would be the perfect fit for a franchise that, well, isn’t very good. Utah played quarterback at Ohio State and led the Buckeyes to a win in Sugar Bowl before becoming an FBI agent. Seriously? Quarterback, FBI agent, born leader. Perfect fit for Hue Jackson and the Browns.


Chicago could really use a quarterback and they like Clemson’s Deshaun Watson, but how about a guy who can handle pressure? Did Watson ever fly a plane, crash land it, and emerge without a scratch? I think not. You know who did? Flash Gordon. With the third pick in this year’s draft, the Bears go for the tall golden-hair surprise that defeated Emperor Ming. Oh, and he actually has NFL experience…just don’t tell anyone. Do you think he would be part of the worst QB draft class in the history of history?


Those were the words uttered by the great Willie Beamen. His home is with the Chiefs, who will select Beamen in the second round. Blessed with tremendous athletic ability, Beamen would be the perfect eventual replacement for Alex Smith. Smith, also a dual threat quarterback, will be 33 years old when the 2017 season starts. Beamen could study under Smith and then use his athletic ability a la Michael Vick or Cam Newton to transform the Chiefs offense.


What the Arizona Cardinals need is a proven successor to Carson Palmer. The three-time Pro Bowler is 37 years old and nearing the end of his career. Prior to playing at USC, Palmer was an all-league and all-state high school quarterback in California. With the 77th pick in the third round, the Cardinals will select another proven high school quarterback – Dillon High’s Matt Saracen. The Cardinals get a guy who brought his team back from a deficit to win a state championship. He’s a little quirky, but what QB isn’t?


The Pittsburgh Steelers know that Ben Roethlisberger’s career will soon come to an end. In searching for his successor, they found their guy. In fact, when he is still on the board in Round 3, the Steelers traded up to get the arm they always wanted – Uncle Rico. Back in ’82, Napoleon Dynamite’s uncle could throw the pigskin a quarter mile and that’s the kind of arm the Pittsburgh Steelers need to replace Big Ben. Steelers’ scouts caught video of Rico nailing his nephew with a steak while riding his bike. The 100-foot throw showed the type of precision that Uncle Rico has with his passing. Oh, and he hit his target throwing the steak sidearm! What a haul for Pittsburgh.


The rest of the draft would surely feature a number of other fictional signal callers. Paul Crewe, either the Burt Reynolds version or that played by Adam Sandler, would be a choice pick. Some team would likely opt for a West Canaan QB whether it is the studly Lance Harbor or his backup Jonathan Moxon. Falco was an All-American at Ohio State and Reno Hightower from “The Best of Times” can draw up winning plays in the dirt. Suffice to say, the 2017 NFL Draft would be pretty interesting with the addition of fictional quarterbacks.

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